STUCK IN A RUT - Has been the steadily strengthening moto of my life these past few months.
I am a 25 year old female living in a charming coastal town in Northern California. My life is good. All of my family and friends remain close and alive. I possess two rather nice bicycles in which I explore the surrounding hills and get my aerobic exercise. I am healthy. I have a college degree. I have a roof over my head. I have nothing to complain about, and for the most part I don't. But by the forces in my life, whatever they may be -gods, star alignments, or karmic cycles, I am experiencing the rut of a (my) lifetime
I graduated from college 2.5 years ago, spent a year working at a shoe store, left for Thailand, spent 6 months having many life epiphanies, and returned home hoping to apply said epiphanies to my life stateside.
I think that is where I made my fatal mistake. I returned to California, bright-eyed, inspired, and ready to take the world by its horns. I had finally found direction, finally found a life philosophy that resonated with my soul. The little Thai children that I had taught, taught me so much more. The world was my oyster.
Ha. Nice try, you idealistic idiot. In the grand scheme of things, 6 months is pretty darn short. So while I returned feeling practically reborn, my life back home was practically the same. I moved in to the same place, socialized with the same people, resumed the same activities and re-ignited a relationship with the same boy. The very lifestyle that prompted me to leave, took me back with open in arms.
After spending just a month in Thailand, I understood that although this country possessed a magical quality, I was not cut out to be an expat. I chose to come back to my Western life because let's be real, there is no place like California. I spent many a day dreaming about returning to this sun kissed, drought ridden, fresh produce producin, mexican food saturated, Bernie lovin, golden state that I truly call home. I feel it in my bones and in my blood. Oh yea, and I came back for the boy (silly, silly girl).
As I boarded the plane destined for San Francisco, I told myself, "beware; you have experienced new things, you have this incredible, positive, fresh perspective. Don't lose sight of it. Approach life in a new way"
And I tried, oh my god did I try. For the first few months, I felt optimistic. I was on the job hunt, modifying my resume, looking for opportunity. And lo and behold, I did get hired fairly early on as a substitute naturalist at an outdoor school. Hallelujah! A job that pays above minimum wage and actually utilizes the degree I studied for! What a catch. Except the job gives me um, well, no hours.
For the love of god. The fact that I am employed as this sub is a blessing and a curse but I would say more of a curse. Every week, I think, is this the week? Is this the week I get called in to make some money, to occupy my mind, to teach the little ones? And every week, that little hope is smushed like a wayward newt accidentally stepped on by one of the outdoor school students.
So every day that am not called into work, I browse through soul crushing jobs, and spend at times up to an hour and a half on an application that I know I will never hear from. Again and again and again, I have reached out, with positivity and optimism, telling myself, a bad attitude never helped anyone, and again and again and again, my energies are all for naught. Perhaps I sound entitled, and perhaps I am, but that is certainly not my intent. I like to think I possess enough self-awareness and humility to avoid that affliction. I simply feel that for the amount of seeds I am sowing, the harvest is just dismal.
Last week was the icing on the unemployment cake, in which three jobs and a relationship fell through in 4 days (which I will write about another time). And as hard as I have tried to keep my head up, to meditate every day, set my intention, exercise, clean, be a proactive individual, well that just kind of did me in for a while. I am not in a fun headspace, really, it is not a good time. My optimism reserves are spent for the time being. So for now, I am going to lie on my couch, as El Nino rages on outside, and start this blog, that just like me, doesn't have much direction or purpose and hope better things are on the horizon.
I am a 25 year old female living in a charming coastal town in Northern California. My life is good. All of my family and friends remain close and alive. I possess two rather nice bicycles in which I explore the surrounding hills and get my aerobic exercise. I am healthy. I have a college degree. I have a roof over my head. I have nothing to complain about, and for the most part I don't. But by the forces in my life, whatever they may be -gods, star alignments, or karmic cycles, I am experiencing the rut of a (my) lifetime
I graduated from college 2.5 years ago, spent a year working at a shoe store, left for Thailand, spent 6 months having many life epiphanies, and returned home hoping to apply said epiphanies to my life stateside.
I think that is where I made my fatal mistake. I returned to California, bright-eyed, inspired, and ready to take the world by its horns. I had finally found direction, finally found a life philosophy that resonated with my soul. The little Thai children that I had taught, taught me so much more. The world was my oyster.
Ha. Nice try, you idealistic idiot. In the grand scheme of things, 6 months is pretty darn short. So while I returned feeling practically reborn, my life back home was practically the same. I moved in to the same place, socialized with the same people, resumed the same activities and re-ignited a relationship with the same boy. The very lifestyle that prompted me to leave, took me back with open in arms.
After spending just a month in Thailand, I understood that although this country possessed a magical quality, I was not cut out to be an expat. I chose to come back to my Western life because let's be real, there is no place like California. I spent many a day dreaming about returning to this sun kissed, drought ridden, fresh produce producin, mexican food saturated, Bernie lovin, golden state that I truly call home. I feel it in my bones and in my blood. Oh yea, and I came back for the boy (silly, silly girl).
As I boarded the plane destined for San Francisco, I told myself, "beware; you have experienced new things, you have this incredible, positive, fresh perspective. Don't lose sight of it. Approach life in a new way"
And I tried, oh my god did I try. For the first few months, I felt optimistic. I was on the job hunt, modifying my resume, looking for opportunity. And lo and behold, I did get hired fairly early on as a substitute naturalist at an outdoor school. Hallelujah! A job that pays above minimum wage and actually utilizes the degree I studied for! What a catch. Except the job gives me um, well, no hours.
For the love of god. The fact that I am employed as this sub is a blessing and a curse but I would say more of a curse. Every week, I think, is this the week? Is this the week I get called in to make some money, to occupy my mind, to teach the little ones? And every week, that little hope is smushed like a wayward newt accidentally stepped on by one of the outdoor school students.
So every day that am not called into work, I browse through soul crushing jobs, and spend at times up to an hour and a half on an application that I know I will never hear from. Again and again and again, I have reached out, with positivity and optimism, telling myself, a bad attitude never helped anyone, and again and again and again, my energies are all for naught. Perhaps I sound entitled, and perhaps I am, but that is certainly not my intent. I like to think I possess enough self-awareness and humility to avoid that affliction. I simply feel that for the amount of seeds I am sowing, the harvest is just dismal.
Last week was the icing on the unemployment cake, in which three jobs and a relationship fell through in 4 days (which I will write about another time). And as hard as I have tried to keep my head up, to meditate every day, set my intention, exercise, clean, be a proactive individual, well that just kind of did me in for a while. I am not in a fun headspace, really, it is not a good time. My optimism reserves are spent for the time being. So for now, I am going to lie on my couch, as El Nino rages on outside, and start this blog, that just like me, doesn't have much direction or purpose and hope better things are on the horizon.
